Panties & Personality

Alliteration.

In response to popular demand, this post explores the scientifically-proven nexus between panties and personality. In this post I'll take you across the pantie spectrum. I'll tell you what each pair of oh-so-sweet undergarments tells you about the personality of the wearer. Girls, check your underpants, because you might be in the cross-hairs. And guys, if you are wearing panties... well... keep it to yourself.

Disclaimer: I'm not going to discuss every type of pantie known to [wo]man (I'm sure I only know the smallest fraction of them), but I'll cover all of the major food groups: granny panties, standard/traditional panties & tangas, boyshorts, thongs, and the almighty g-string. Now, being a guy, I could be neglecting a category -- intentionally or unintentionally -- so please don't tear my head off, ladies, if I am leaving out your favorite S&M gear, etc etc. This is not a complete treatise on female underwear, but is merely a taste of the majesty.

The old common law maxim smallus pantimus es optimus sums this post up (I don't do Latin -- clearly). Let's get started.

6. The most despised undergarment is the dreaded granny pantie. 

NO excuses. You shouldn't be wearing this, unless you are older than 50. Ladies, work on it, pick up your game. I don't care if they are your "back up" underwear, or whatever lame excuse you can think of. These tell me that you aren't even trying, and you aren't thinking ahead. A guy should never see you in a pair of these (unless he has some kind of "mature" fetish, and in that case, dump his ass and date me instead, but lose the granny panties first). Basically, if you are wearing these, I recommend buying a lint roller, 'cause your ass is gunna be living with a bunch of cats for the rest of your life.

5. The traditional pantie & "tanga."

Okay, I can't be too critical here. These two are put in the same category because they are a degree of the same thing: average and not exciting. If you wear these my only advice is to go for the skimpier "tanga" style depicted on the right. I'm sure your man won't be displeased. It probably won't catch his eye (any more than you taking off your pants already would). Wearing these tell me that you want to wear clothes -- can't fault you for that -- but you aren't looking to impress anyone (or you just weren't prepared to "get down"). They tell me that you are traditional or normal, an average blue-blooded American. Who wants to be average? Your best bet is to step up to the next set of undergarments, at least.

4. The mercurial boyshort.

You have to be careful with this one. If you can pull it off, then it comes across as very sexy. But if you don't have the right body, then this one might not be right for you. I must say, that these are the only pair of pantie where your personality actually affects your attractiveness when wearing this undergarment. If you are like a "cool" chick, sort-of tomboyish (but not butch lesbian), more like "fun" and "I-can-recite-NFL-stats," then you are probably the right kind of chick for these. Also, you could be a supermodel, but in that case, you would probably look good in granny panties, so good for you. I have a personal preference for these, because they usually tell me that you are slightly unconventional (I like to think I am "unconventional" -- another word for "nerd") , and that you are probably an interesting person. I'd like to know you, and your underpants (haha).

3. The thong & g-string.

Now we're talking. You are in the right department now. If you look down, and you happen to be wearing a pair of these bad boys, then you are already on the fast track. You probably have a boyfriend (or husband), your life is filled with much success, and your office smells of rich mahogany. You probably have a fancy car, and make witty jokes with frequency. Thong < G-string. But, g-strings are just bonus points, much like an A+*. If you are wearing one of these undergarments, then you are also likely wearing a tight-as-shit summer dress, and in that case, I salute you. (Aside: Pants-suits are not hot, unless you have a sculptured ass, and the pants are tight. Otherwise, they make me angry! *insert angry face here*.)

2. Going commando.

Now, I'm not actually suggesting that you should go commando on a regular basis. I've heard of some girls doing this, but it's more like a unicorn, or more accurately, a very-rare earth metal, like Iridium. If you do this, it won't score you a ton of extra points (as it borders on strange -- almost). However, it would be a nice surprise for your man on occasion -- just tearin' off your pants and bein' all like "hey, look at me, bitch!" (haha)

1. Wearing candy panties.

Candy panties + a guy's mouth (or, I guess a girl's mouth would work too, if you are into that) = a fun time for someone. Enough said. 

I hope you enjoyed this odd post, and don't think I'm a creeper for it -- all in good fun. And if it sounds judgmental, well, I'm not sorry. G'day mate.

Cute v. Hot

There has been some discussion lately regarding the words "cute" and "hot." So what is the difference between the two? Let's try to nail down something more than vague notions. As a starting point, let's see what dictionary.com has to say.

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Dictionary.com

Cute: attractive, especially in a dainty way; pleasingly pretty

Dainty: of delicate beauty; exquisite.

Hot: sexy; attractive.

Sexy: sexually interesting or exciting; radiating sexuality.

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It quickly becomes clear that the word cute implies an innocent quality, whereas the word hot conjures sex in one's mind. Now, most of my female friends (probably all that I've talked to about this subject) have said that they take offense to being called "cute." They say that it implies that they are some degree of ugly -- maybe like the "girl next door" or "kid-sister-with-a-mole-on-the-nose-but-is-otherwise-moderately-attractive."


They say, that they much more prefer to be called "hot." So, does this mean that they just want to "radiate sexuality"? Would they agree with that definition of "hot"? Maybe, probably, girls are more sex-crazy than they let on. This isn't really news, but it can't hurt pointing out.

I don't think that the word "cute" gets the respect that it should. Now, my reverence for the word "cute," of course, is necessarily dependent on the definition that I attach to that word. I prescribe a narrow definition for "cute." I don't like using the word "dainty" in conjunction with "cute," because I think the connotation that comes along with dainty is weakness. I am not attracted to weakness. I think the definition "pleasingly pretty and attractive" is perfect for describing the meaning attached to the word "cute."

Being cute is not a crime. I think that being cute, as I define it, is a good thing, indeed 'tis preferable over a girl who only radiates pure sex. This is why: With the word "hot," comes "sex" (as a necessary implication). And with sex, no matter how enjoyable, and desired, comes at least a small amount of dirtiness. I don't mean dirtiness in like a bad way, in a morally despicable sense, but just a factual-descriptive way -- exchanges of bodily fluids, etc. etc. In the back of my mind, subconsciously perhaps, these thoughts arise when using the word "hot" to describe a "chick."

Now, where does this leave us? What amount of hotness should a girl have? What amount of cuteness should a girl have? Yo, the answer is obvious:

1) If you are looking for sex; dress and act "hot."
2) If you are looking for a relationship; dress and act "cute."

To me: Cuteness, in terms of personality, implies a quick wit, a sense of humor, intelligence (without being snobby), understanding, and compassion. Cuteness, in terms of physical appearances, is more elusive to lock down. I'm personally attracted to girls who wear funny t-shirts and tight-ass jeans... but I think this just reflects on my desire that a girl have personality -- mainly a sense of humor and not necessarily materialistic.

With all of this said, the perfect girl is one who has both "cuteness" and "hotness." This way you aren't just seen as a friend, but you are respectable, fun, intelligent, but also like to "get down" on occasion. For a visual breakdown of this standard, see the following graph:

In short, be more like Heidi Klum. Good day.

Inside a Chick's Head: Issue 3.3

The best, sexiest, answers yet! So the idea of this column is that I ask chicks topical questions in order to improve the lives of fellow man. This is how it works: I send questions to a chick that I know, they answer anonymously however they want (including a free-style answer at the end where they can say whatever they'd like about anything), I post their answers, and people read them (most likely laughing -- with the guys secretly taking notes).

I will probably be sending out the same questions to 2-3 chicks over the span of one month so the readers can compare answers between the different ladies. Then I'll be sending out a new set of questions for the next month.  It's fun, and interesting.

So here is the ninth neural synapse: Anonymous Chick #9.

1. When is it cool in a relationship for the guy to expect you to chip in some money for dinners, activities, etc.?

This is a hard question, because it varies with the relationship, and the guy.  I’d say that unless the guy is really insistent on paying, I tend to chip in pretty early on (but if he’s a lot wealthier than I am, I’ll let him pay).  I always at least reach for my wallet when the check comes, because I don’t want to be seen like *that* girl, but generally, I’m a grown-ass woman and I can take care of/pay for myself.  I don’t think either party should ever expect the other party to pay.  This isn’t 1810.

2. Do you like your guys to have a thin, athletic, average, or muscular build? Why?

I don’t like guys to be skinnier than me.  Ideally, they need to be big enough to toss me around a little in bed (and fight off ninja attacks), and hopefully he’s athletic enough to get through sexytime without wheezing or needing a water break.  I’m definitely not looking for a Jersey Shore lookalike, and it would be nice if his gut didn’t hang out further than his wang, but I’m not all that picky when it comes to body type.

3. How does a guy avoid being put into the “friend zone”?

There’s the friend zone, and the “friend zone.”  The friend zone isn’t necessarily bad, because I’ve ended up hooking up with and/or dating some of my friends.  I’m terrible when it comes to dating, so I like the ease of starting to date someone that I already know I get along with.  Sometimes guys can’t help being in the “friend zone” because that’s where girls put guys they have no interest in hooking up with, ever, ever.   Be a good guy and a good friend to her; if you think you might be in the friend zone, try a flirty advance, like a hug, and see how she reacts.  If she twists away from your hug, you’re in the “friend zone” but if it’s full-body contact and she lingers, I’d say that’s a signal from the ump to steal second.

4. Are there any hints you give off when you “like” a guy? How about when you want to “bang”?


If I like you, I’m always trying to make you laugh, smiling a lot, making eye contact, finding excuses to touch you, making plans to hang out.  You know, the same stuff girls have been doing since the third grade.  I show a lot of cleavage if we’re out, maybe I toss my hair around a little, maybe I try to give you a sly little look across the room (this part doesn't always work after a few drinks and my eyes are half-closed).  I’m also really sarcastic, so if you can take it, and fling it right back at me, it’s such a turn on.


I’m not subtle. You know I want to bang when I text you something along the lines of “hey, wanna come over later?” 

5. Have you ever (would you ever) date a guy from work?

I wouldn’t really call it “dating” … but I had a FWB from work once, and it was AWESOME.  We could sneak away and hook up, and I could totally get him flustered by playing the “sexy secretary” and making little innuendos that nobody else would pick up on.  And all day was like constant foreplay… but it was easier to do because I knew I was leaving the company soon, so I didn’t care what happened after it was over.  Not that I really cared anyway, but at least it wasn’t awkward. 

6. In the locker room, how much clothes do girls really wear?  I’m sure that they are pretty much naked all of the time, but I just need confirmation.

I’d say most women are naked at some point in the locker room. This isn’t as hot as you’d think – all shapes, sizes, and ages are naked, so you have to watch out.  The worst are the old ladies who just plop down on the benches without putting a towel down first….ew.

7. How much dirty nasty sex shit do you tell your girlfriends about your own sex life? How much detail do you go into?

All of it. No seriously, all of it.  Especially the weird shit you guys pull that you’ve seen in some porno that makes us go… “I’m sorry, what was that?”

8. If you were a guy, who is a hot famous female that you would totally bang?

Emmanuelle Chriqui (Sloan from Entourage).  And I wouldn’t even have to be a guy… [Editor's note: niiice...]

9. Would you ever have a three way, and if so, with two guys or one guy and another chick? And if not, why not?

Probably, but I think only with another chick.  The dynamic with two guys would be weird, because I know they probably wouldn’t be into seeing each other naked, and there would be avoidance and weirdness, and no.  Two girls and one guy seems to be the only situation where everybody would be happy to be with everyone else, lots of touching.  Also, I can be kind of lazy and two guys just sounds like way too much work for me. 

10. Freestyle. Go!


Men and women really aren’t all that different -- we want friendship, fun, and regular orgasms from someone who’s not totally hideous.  Bonus if you like dogs, sports, and wine (well, maybe that’s just for me).  We’re not that complicated, I promise!  Be a good person and it will show.  Nice guys don’t finish last – they may finish later, because we’re still in the “douchebag dating” phase of our twenties, but you will finish (heh) and she’ll appreciate you for being nice. 

Also, I think the following chart sums up dating pretty nicely.  If you think you have all three, you’re delusional and your mom lied to you about one of the three.

Thanks Anonymous Chick # 9.  Key takeaway: Stop. Being. Totally. Hideous.

Reader, yes you!: Please follow my blog by clicking "follow" in the column to the right. AND please comment!

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Inside a Chick's Head: Issue 3.2

The best, sexiest, answers yet! So the idea of this column is that I ask chicks topical questions in order to improve the lives of fellow man. This is how it works: I send questions to a chick that I know, they answer anonymously however they want (including a free-style answer at the end where they can say whatever they'd like about anything), I post their answers, and people read them (most likely laughing -- with the guys secretly taking notes).

I will probably be sending out the same questions to 2-3 chicks over the span of one month so the readers can compare answers between the different ladies. Then I'll be sending out a new set of questions for the next month.  It's fun, and interesting.

So here is the eighth neural synapse: Anonymous Chick #8.

1. When is it cool in a relationship for the guy to expect you to chip in some money for dinners, activities, etc.?

Definitely not on date one!  The sign of a good date, for a guy, is she offers to pay.  The sign of a good date, for a girl, is that he doesn’t let you.  Really, it depends on what kind of dates you are going.  It is acceptable on date two if you are going to a bar and she offers to buy the next the round.  If you are going on the more traditional dinner and a movie dates, the guy should take the traditional role and pay through date three (then you bang after date three, so all bets are off). Men usually want to be the ones doing the chasing, and they want to be the aggressor in the relationship.  With that comes paying for the dates. If you can’t afford it, don’t go on dates.  Sorry about ya.

2. Do you like your guys to have a thin, athletic, average, or muscular build? Why?

I like my guys to be average to muscular body type.  It is simple; I don’t want to feel like I outweigh my guy.  I want him to eat more than me, I want him to be taller than me, and I want a guy to be able to pick me up.  The last thing a girl wants is to feel like she needs to be the big spoon.  If I sit on your lap, I don’t want to feel like my ass is going to eat you.

3. How does a guy avoid being put into the “friend zone”?

Don’t comment on every hot girl that walks by or that you have previously boned!  That kind of conversation is appropriate with your buddies whom you don’t want to touch naked.  If a guy is talking to you like you are his guy friend, you are going to assume you are just one of the guys. A girl will start to talk to him as if he is just one of her friends.  That kind of uncensored honesty is not sexy.

4. Are there any hints you give off when you “like” a guy? How about when you want to “bang”?

When I like a guy I find excuses to talk to him, invite him places, and touch him.  When I want to bang a guy, I wait till we are both wasted, then I stand too close to him pushing my breasts into him.  Then I ask if he wants to go to my place.  Usually works. By the way, guys should carry condoms when you go to the bar. Thanks!

5. Have you ever (would you ever) date a guy from work?

I dated a guy from work.  NEVER AGAIN. The good part was sneaking away during the day and banging at my place over lunch.  However, the bad far outweighed the good.  I couldn’t get away from him!  We would get into a fight, and I would have to spend all day with him.  We would break up, and I would have to spend all day with him.  Then we would get back together and start the whole cycle all over again.  Even if you don’t tell anyone at work, somehow they all know and it is awkward as ass.

6. In the locker room, how much clothes do girls really wear?  I’m sure that they are pretty much naked all of the time, but I just need confirmation.

Since we strapped on our first training bras, girls have mastered the art of to changing their clothes without ever actually being naked.  We do things like put our shorts on then take off your skirt, or put our sports bra on over our real bra.  Sorry to say there is little to no nudity in the ladies locker’s room...  Then we all make out.

7. How much dirty nasty sex shit do you tell your girlfriends about your own sex life? How much detail do you go into?

My girls know everything about my sex life. They know what his penis looks like. They know what I did with it. They know what positions we did it in. They know what he said, what I said, and how I felt about it.  If you are terrible or a have tiny penis, they will know about it.  But don’t worry, if you have a monster dick and are sex god, my friends will know that too.

8. If you were a guy, who is a hot famous female that you would totally bang?

Angelina Jolie -- not mother-conservatively-dressed Angelina Jolie (with Brad Pitt), but oh no!, dirty, tattooed, making out with her brother, fucking Billy Bob Thornton in the limo on the way over Angelina Jolie. I miss that dirty, sexy, crazy bitch.

9. Would you ever have a three way, and if so, with two guys or one guy and another chick? And if not, why not?

Although the idea of two sexy muscular men with their hands all over me is very tempting, I don’t think I would ever have a threesome with two guys.  As much as I love the gays, gay culture, and gay porn, I wouldn’t want to have sex with two guys that would be interested in having other men in the sack with them.  Admittedly, the fantasy of bringing another girl into the bedroom is sexy, I would probably never do that either.  I am a very jealous person, and I would be worried the guy was more into her than me.  I will choke a bitch.

10. Freestyle. Go!

Why are men incapable of the fuck buddy relationship? They want to bang once, then never again.  My girl friends have the same problem.  I seriously doubt the reason is because we [females] are all bad in bed; you seem to be enjoying it at the time.   I think they are scared if they sleep with the same girl again it will mean they are “dating” and heading towards a relationship.  I know many busy professional women who are not looking to be in a relationship or dating someone.  They just want someone to throw it in them from time to time, no muss no fuss.   Look into it guys.  Call that girl from Thursday night on Saturday and see if she isn’t game for round two. 

Thanks Anonymous Chick # 8.  Key takeaway: Fuck buddy with a monster dick? ... Check and check.

Reader, yes you!: Please follow my blog by clicking "follow" in the column to the right. AND please comment!

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Want to write for ? 

E-mail me at goodbadbadass@gmail.com

and I will send you some questions!

Your anonymity is highly respected!

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Inside a Chick's Head: Issue 3.1

The best, sexiest, questions and answers yet! So the idea of this column is that I ask chicks topical questions in order to improve the lives of fellow man. This is how it works: I send questions to a chick that I know, they answer anonymously however they want (including a free-style answer at the end where they can say whatever they'd like about anything), I post their answers, and people read them (most likely laughing -- with the guys secretly taking notes).

I will probably be sending out the same questions to 2-3 chicks over the span of one month so the readers can compare answers between the different ladies. Then I'll be sending out a new set of questions for the next month.  It's fun, and interesting.

So here is the seventh neural synapse: Anonymous Chick #7.

1. When is it cool in a relationship for the guy to expect you to chip in some money for dinners, activities, etc.?

Third “date,” or time, you hang out.  Honestly, many (if not most) girls hope that you’ll pay on the first date and will feel a bit let down if you don’t.  The second date they don’t expect it, so it’s a nice surprise when you do.  I think it means a lot—basically, it says: “all of the nice things you did on the first date weren’t just ‘for show.’” Now, this doesn’t mean that the girl shouldn’t offer… I think they should always offer—but you shouldn’t accept it the first and even second time.  There really are certain times when you should always pay—like if you invite her to the movies, or even a baseball game, etc. with your family… Or the very first time you let her tag along to go paintballing with you.


2. Do you like your guys to have a thin, athletic, average, or muscular build? Why?

I like guys who are bigger than me.  It sounds simple, but for me it really is just the idea that whoever you’re with can protect you.  I tend to be attracted to athletic or muscular builds—I’d love to go running every now and then or go down to the court with a guy and shoot around a little… so I think I figure that a guy with an athletic build would be into that (although I recognize that’s not totally accurate).

Don’t fret if you are lean and mean though—I can absolutely guarantee that other ladies totally disagree with me and would prefer an average to thin build (my best friend, for instance).  Just like some of you are boob men or ass men… it all depends.  I would rather be with a thin guy who makes me laugh and keeps me on my toes than a raging, boring, meathead ANY day! (Is this question coming up?)


3. How does a guy avoid being put into the “friend zone”?

Probably just close the deal on the first night.  It significantly decreases any opportunity to learn about her childhood, her interests, hobbies, last name, and certainly prevents the development of any “real” friendship.  Seriously, it’s hard… but if I was always worried about falling into a guy’s “friend zone” anytime I was interested in them, I would have missed out on a lot of good friends.  The hard truth is that if a girl wants to bang you, you won’t be “just friends” for long.  Unfortunately, the whole “friend” thing is an excuse that most girls use to keep things from getting awkward, and also to make themselves feel better.  Beware though, there is a difference between “we’re just too good of friends” and “I just want to remain friends.”  If you get the first response, then they probably aren’t that good—or honest—of a friend.


4. Are there any hints you give off when you “like” a guy? How about when you want to “bang”?

Yes.  I will find any opportunity to touch you.  (Ex:  “Oh, your collar is crooked, let me fix it”; [Touching the back of your neck] “I love your haircut”; or “Oopsy, your zipper is down.  Here, let me do it—my hands are smaller.”) 

While it might not be our finest moment, we’ll also text when we’re out or drunk.  I typically don’t endorse this drunk-texting behavior, but if you have a reasonable suspicion that you might be the recipient of a drunk text… embrace it.  Trust me.


5. Have you ever (would you ever) date a guy from work?

This is a perfect example of how the whole “women’s rights/abolishment of chivalry” movement backfired.  We’re faced with the predicament of being surrounded by motivated, successful men who are capable of caring for a woman, but we are not really able to reap any of the benefits.  It’s like waving a cookie in front of a chick on a diet… It’s unfair and, frankly, just cruel.  (Disclaimer:  I’m mostly joking.)

I wouldn’t date a guy from work if I was currently working there.  Part of it is because I don’t want any of my personal life to become a topic of conversation during coffee breaks… jealousy and cattiness comes in all shapes and sizes, and I don’t doubt that some coworkers, regardless if they’re in a relationship or married, would rather hate on my relationship than care for their own.  But it’s even more than that—without playing the “poor me” card, it can sometimes be difficult for women to be taken seriously, especially when they are young.  The last thing I would want to do is to play into any of those naïve stereotypes.  Although, I wholeheartedly believe that a mid-morning or late-afternoon “romp” in one of our offices would arouse my productivity for the rest of the day… (I’m sure there are studies out there to back me up).

I do think we should take advantage of our co-workers... as a way to meet their good-looking, equally as driven, intelligent friends.  Set up happy hours and have everyone invite other friends so people can meet.  People helping people… it’s a beautiful thing.


6. In the locker room, how much clothes do girls really wear?  I’m sure that they are pretty much naked all of the time, but I just need confirmation.

Haha! Oh boy, I really hope you’re sitting down for this one… the only boobs I see on a regular basis in the locker room are my own… or the 75 year old woman’s who just finished her swimming class.  Sports bras and shorts, or wearing a towel, are the typical go-to attire.  But when the girls get together for sleepovers, we usually just wear…


7. How much dirty nasty sex shit do you tell your girlfriends about your own sex life? How much detail do you go into?

To my closest friends?  (Almost) everything.  That time you tried to shoot for the moon but I just wound up seeing blurry *stars* in my eyes for the rest of the night instead?… Yup, I told her.  Or the reason why I so desperately want to sit on ice after all the excitement and glory of last night is because you left me sore and walking funny?...  Yeah, she’ll probably know who, what, when, where, why, and most importantly, how.

I obviously wouldn’t tell just anyone—and I would never tell anyone other than my closest few friends the juicy, or even embarrassing, stuff.  We don’t run around comparing sizes or continuously make fun of a ridiculous porn move you tried out.  We might tell our closest friend, but even if I know something absurd, I’m not thinking about it the next time I see my friend’s guy.  Don’t worry about what she is telling her friends though.  If she’s coming back to your restaurant on a regular basis, she’s obviously hungry for your main course.

It also depends on how long you’ve been doing the deed… the earlier into a new relationship or hookup, the more we discuss.  But our convos actually work for your benefit—Let me compare it to football:

Every team has a quarterback and every quarterback has a strategy and a few go-to plays that always work for their team.  Now, what if you tell your friend, who is also a quarterback, about your special play…and they try it out on their team? And it works.  He could… go… allll… the… wayyy…


8. If you were a guy, who is a hot famous female that you would totally bang?

Jennifer Aniston.  Done and done.  She’s beautiful, hilarious, and by all accounts, a really sweet, classy woman.  What more could you want?  Perfect boobs?  Check.  Amazing legs?  Check.  Tight stomach? Check. 

I want to take this opportunity to discredit any of you out there who disagree with me and favor the brunette, gothic mistress who is now with Jen’s ex.  How many kids has she had?  At least 3 of her own?  Good luck… I don’t care how much meat you’re packing—that’s like throwing a hot dog down a hallway.


9. Would you ever have a three way, and if so, with two guys or one guy and another chick? And if not, why not?

I think we all know—BAD things happen in threes… But a three way would probably fall under the “bad in a good way” category.  Honestly, I’ve gone back and forth on this.  I actually wouldn’t want it with two guys… I’m attracted to guys who are comfortable and secure with themselves, but also someone who wouldn’t be cool with the idea of “sharing” his girl.  Being a LITTLE territorial is sexy.

I dated a guy and the topic of a threesome came up (hypothetically) and he said that it obviously sounded great, but that he honestly didn’t know if he could look his mom in the eyes again—It was actually really sexy that he was like, no, I’m good with you.

BUT, if I ever was in a three way, I’d imagine it with champagne being poured all over myself and the other girl…wearing some type of silver string bikinis...and we’d be licking it off of the guy and begging for more…and loud music would be playing… (and then Lil’ Wayne would start rapping and after 3 minutes the video director would call “cut” and we’d have to put our clothes back on).


10. Freestyle. Go!

This is my Public Service Announcement… Just keep it in mind for all those times you are privately serving your lucky lady:  Sex is amazing.  Foreplay—kissing, touching, licking, teasing foreplay—and then sex is f*cking amazing.  Any questions?  

Thanks Anonymous Chick # 7.  Key takeaway: Go for the three-way, plain and simple.

Reader, yes you!: Please follow my blog by clicking "follow" in the column to the right. AND please comment!

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Want to write for ? 

E-mail me at goodbadbadass@gmail.com

and I will send you some questions!

Your anonymity is highly respected!

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Inside a Chick's Head: Issue 2.3

A new month, a new set of questions! So the idea of this column is that I ask chicks topical questions in order to improve the lives of fellow man. This is how it works: I send questions to a chick that I know, they answer anonymously however they want (including a free-style answer at the end where they can say whatever they'd like about anything), I post their answers, and people read them (most likely laughing -- with the guys secretly taking notes).

I will probably be sending out the same questions to 2-3 chicks over the span of one month so the readers can compare answers between the different ladies. Then I'll be sending out a new set of questions for the next month.  It's fun, and interesting.

So here is the sixth neural synapse: Anonymous Chick #6.

1) What kind of job would you like your man to have? How poor is too poor?

           

Most important is to have a job he actually likes.  Constant bitching is not sexy at all and after a while can really put a strain on a relationship.  If you have a bad day, I of course will listen, but if it is constant, it is too much.  If you hate your job, please attempt to find something you enjoy so that every day is not a bad day. 

2) Most disgusting things guys should just wait to do when you aren't around?

           

Clipping toe nails -- it’s super gross and I don’t need to witness it.  Also, just because you can, please don’t whip it out and pee in front of me.  There is such a thing as too comfortable. 

3) Most and least romantic things a guy ever did for you, respectively?

Most romantic is probably when a boyfriend hid little notes ALL OVER my bedroom.  I didn’t know he had done this and was finding really sweet and personal notes (not cliché) notes for weeks.  He hid them in places I didn’t look everyday, so I didn’t find them all at once.  It made me happy everytime I found one.

           

Least romantic would have to be a run-in from college.  I had met this guy through friends and been around him with other people a few times, so we decided to hang out and watch a movie alone one night.  Our movie night of course led to kissing, but immediately after this kissing began he not-so-subtly opened a drawer and pulled out a condom.  This was literally mid-first kiss, during the first time we ever hung out one-on-one.  Absolutely not ok.  He made doing this obvious, as if posing it as a question to me, to which I clearly answered no.  We never hung out again for obvious reasons.  So I suppose the lesson from this story is don’t go into your first interaction with a girl expecting sex, and even if you do, don’t let her know that. 

           

4) What’s the best way for a guy to deal with an angry drunk girlfriend? (I understand without a context this question may be difficult, but please give it the jolly good try.)

There really is no way to “deal” with an angry drunk girlfriend.  My advice is to not even try.  Do not try to talk about what she is angry about or deal with any underlying issues -- they will not be resolved.  Just humor her and put her to bed, otherwise you will be dealing with her irrational and crazy side for a LONG night.  If either of you is actually angry for a reason other than being ridiculously drunk, that issue will still be there in the morning to deal with rationally. 

5) How sensitive must a guy be?

           

A guy needs to be somewhat sensitive.  The key word there was somewhat; there is a fine line.  A guy needs to be able to have a real conversation and be the type of person a girl knows she can go to with a problem and he will actually listen.  Also, a guy needs to be able to open up.  Girls like to be able to be there for the guy as well.  However, I can’t handle a guy who wants to talk about feelings and discuss the relationship more than me -- I want to date a man. 

6) How CAN’T a guy ask a girl out (i.e. is it okay to ask a girl out over g-chat/email/text/etc.)?

           

I think it’s fine to ask a girl out in pretty much anyway now.  Most people talk on gchat/texting more than talking on the phone or even seeing each other in person now.  So these methods seem acceptable, and possibly even preferable because they are more casual than making a phone call solely to ask someone out when you have never called the person to begin with.  Asking someone to go out doesn’t need to be a dramatic gesture, and if it is this would probably freak her out, so keeping it more relaxed is probably a good thing.   

7) Would you date a younger guy? How young?

I would date a younger guy, but being at a young age myself I would not go much younger right now.  At this point in my life I would not date anyone more than one year younger than me -- this means they are graduated from college and likely at a more mature stage in their life.  As I get older I would be more willing to date someone further apart in age, especially when I qualify for cougar status.  I think the most important thing is where he is in his life more than his age.

8) Scenario: It’s your first time having sex with a particular person. Stay conventional and work up, later, to other positions? Or is the first time with someone like an audition... pull out all of the stops?

I think it’s definitely good to try some different positions the first time, especially depending on how the other person is responding.  You want to keep it interesting for her so she comes away from your first time hoping it’s not the last.  That being said, the first time is not the time to fly your freak flag (that is of course unless she is a freak herself, so it works).  But if you are having sex with a girl for the first time who isn’t a virgin, I think you can bet she has tried multiple positions before so she isn’t going to be freaked out if you want to change things up (this is excluding any S&M toys you may have -- should probably wait on those).    

9) Top or bottom (and why)?

Bottom.  It’s incredibly sexy to have a guy take control.  This is clearly a preference thing and I know there are some girls that can’t get off unless they are on top, but I say definitely bottom.   

10) Freestyle. Go!

DO NOT be insecure in bed.  Even if you feel insecure, and I’m sure everyone does at least sometimes, don’t show it.  It’s important to be concerned with what the other person likes/dislikes in bed, and talking about this and making it known that you want to do what pleases them is a good thing.  They want you to do what is going to work for them, so they will likely be honest with you about this.  You don’t need to keep on questioning it.  Do not continuously ask for approval/validation.  It is not sexy.     

Thanks Anonymous Chick # 6.  Key takeaway: Go for the cougars, and break out the S&M toys... they are ready for it.

Reader, yes you!: Please follow my blog by clicking "follow" in the column to the right. AND please comment!

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E-mail me at goodbadbadass@gmail.com

and I will send you some questions!

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Inside a Chick's Head: Issue 2.1

A new month, a new set of questions! So the idea of this column is that I ask chicks topical questions in order to improve the lives of fellow man. This is how it works: I send questions to a chick that I know, they answer anonymously however they want (including a free-style answer at the end where they can say whatever they'd like about anything), I post their answers, and people read them (most likely laughing -- with the guys secretly taking notes).

I will probably be sending out the same questions to 2-3 chicks over the span of one month so the readers can compare answers between the different ladies. Then I'll be sending out a new set of questions for the next month.  It's fun, and interesting.

So here is the fourth neural synapse: Anonymous Chick #4.

1) What kind of job would you like your man to have? How poor is too poor?

Seriously any job that he’s happy doing.  It is way worse to have a man come home miserable and rich than happy and poor.  Now, for the superficial woman in me, he does need to be able to support himself (and occasionally treat me).  I’m more than willing to go up to the bar and buy us drinks or pick up the dinner tab, but I do expect to be treated every now and again.  Fellas, we aren’t stupid, a moocher is easy to spot and you will be kicked to the curb so fast you won’t know what hit you.  Even if you know the bill will be split at the end of the night, at least offer to pay, we take note and do appreciate it. 

2) Most disgusting things guys should just wait to do when you aren't around?

Easy question -- anything that has to do with bodily functions.  Let’s be real guys, we want you to be comfortable around us, but some things are better left to the imagination.  I don’t think I have to spell it out, you know what I mean.  I also don’t ever need to see you “manscaping” or clipping your toenails.

3) Most and least romantic things a guy ever did for you, respectively?

The most romantic thing a guy has ever done for me happened on my 18^th birthday.  My then boyfriend told me to be dressed and ready at 6pm.  Right at 6 a limo pulled up to my house and took me to a restaurant where my boyfriend was waiting for me, roses in hand.  After dinner the limo took us to Niagara Falls.  We walked around and at the top of the Falls he gave me my birthday present, a birthstone ring. 

Now don’t get scared, I realize this is a bit extreme, but when asked what the most romantic thing a guy has ever done, I obviously went to the most grandiose gesture.  Honestly, I know it’s cliché, but it is the small things that mean the most because it says you are thinking about us.  A close second is when I came home one afternoon to find little papers all over my bed with personal notes on each one describing why my then boyfriend loved me.  That ALMOST beat the limo…  

Thinking of the least romantic thing a guy has ever done is tough.  It usually is when they have done nothing at all.  I think the least romantic, or I should say most disappointing, is when you are expecting something (specifically on certain holidays, special occasions etc.) and then the guy does nothing.  I won’t ever say anything out loud, but I am secretly crushed.

4) What’s the best way for a guy to deal with an angry drunk girlfriend? (I understand that without a context this question may be difficult, but please give it the jolly good try.)

Unfortunately there is no good way to deal with an angry drunk girlfriend.  It is inevitable that at one point we will be drunk, irrational and angry, even when you have done absolutely nothing wrong.  That being said, repeat after me: "You’re right.  I’m so sorry.  Let’s go to bed."

5) How sensitive must a guy be?

I think it's disappointing that there is such a stigma on guys who show their emotions... don't get me wrong... I don't want to date someone who cries when he sees puppies in a kennel... but I don't think being a man means that you have to drown your sorrows in Muscle Milk and punch walls when you don't get your way. A good balance -- and what I find most attractive -- is someone who is able to protect and comfort me, but also lets me comfort him... we expect guys to be human... we tend to like humans.

6) How CAN’T a guy ask a girl out (i.e. is it okay to ask a girl out over g-chat/email/text/etc.)?

Gchat, email, text, messages in the sand, send an invite via the Good Year blimp -- I think they're all viable and acceptable means of communication... but there are limits -- I'd recommend not having a friend, or any other third party, asking a girl out for you.  This isn't recess and I don't want to sit with you at lunch if you can't ask me yourself.  Women tend to be receptive when a guy is confident and decisive -- offer a place and a time and seem genuinely interested, and we'll accept (and look forward to it).

7) Would you date a younger guy? How young?

Of course! Age is just a number baby!  Let’s be serious, I would never stoop to a Bieber level (gross and illegal), but a few years doesn’t hurt anybody.  What I think is most important is being at the same place in your lives.  It would be hard to date a raging frat boy that is only concerned with how many beers he can shotgun before puking when you are worried about “real-person” things like waking up for your job on time and paying your bills.

8) Scenario: It’s your first time having sex with a particular person. Stay conventional and work up, later, to other positions? Or is the first time with someone like an audition... pull out all of the stops?

First of all, it depends on how drunk you are haha. But really, you need a happy balance.  The first time you are having sex with someone is not the time to pull out the whips and chains, but you also want to show some skill so the person knows you are good at what you’re doing.  It’s definitely okay to throw in a couple of different positions so the person knows you’re not boring, but don’t get too crazy, I’m not an Olympic gymnast.  Ultimately, you want the person coming back for more.

9) Top or bottom (and why)?

This is definitely all personal preference and I know for a fact that many women would disagree with me, but definitely bottom.  There is nothing hotter than having a guy flip you over and take you like he can’t stand to not have you any longer.

10) Freestyle. Go!

We want you to be honest, but don’t tell us everything.  We don’t want to play games, yet we need a little mystery.  Being called ‘cute’ is too much like you’re referring to your little sister, yet being called ‘gorgeous’ means you’re trying too hard.  Basically we know that we are extremely difficult, confusing and at times impossible, but we’ll usually (note that I didn’t say ALWAYS) make it up to you with sex.  

Thanks Anonymous Chick # 4.  Key takeaway: Hold off on the whips and chains until the second date.

Reader, yes you!: Please follow my blog by clicking "follow" in the column to the right. AND please comment!

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Want to write for ? 

E-mail me at goodbadbadass@gmail.com

and I will send you some questions!

Your anonymity is highly respected!

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Inside a Chick's Head: Issue 1.2

So I'm trying to diversify my blog.  I came up with this idea to include the female perspective, aka, asking chicks topical questions in order to improve the lives of fellow man. This is how it works: I send questions to a chick that I know, they answer anonymously however they want (including a free-style answer at the end where they can say whatever they'd like about anything), I post their answers, and people read them (most likely laughing -- with the guys secretly taking notes).

I will probably be sending out the same questions to 2-3 chicks over the span of one month so the readers can compare answers between the different ladies. Then I'll be sending out a new set of questions for the next month.  It's fun, and interesting.

So here is the second neural synapse: Anonymous Chick #2.

1) What is the best gift a guy could get you?

Something that took more than five minutes to pick out without your woman (and/or your overbearing, critical mother...it's not her gift, it's mine!) having to tell you what to get. One thing that 99.9% of men don't understand is that you DEFINITELY WILL get paid back for your hard work. You get what you give! I understand that there are some ungrateful, bitchy women out there who will stop at nothing to nag you about every aspect of your life. Those you should dump. But, there are some women out there who are worth the time and effort.

2) Do you have any fashion advice for guys?

Really I just have one question: Does it take infinitely more energy to reach for a dress shirt than it does for a sweatshirt? If a woman is expected to look nice and be presentable, I'd like to know who created the double standard saying that men don't. A nice button down, tighter jeans around the a$$ and a nice pair of shoes can go very far. Boxers aren't sexy....neither are jeans that are pulled up to  right under your man boobs. 

3) Fashion advice for chicks?

The only time I want to see muffin top is in the morning with some coffee!!

4) What is the worst date that you've ever been on, and why?

I went to dinner with a guy who put absolutely no effort into making conversation. If you run out of things to say before you even get to the restaurant, text your friend and have them call you in the middle of dinner with an emergency. This situation needs an emergency getaway car. 

5) What is the ideal first date?

Nice conversation with someone who at least pretends to be intelligent, trying out a new restaurant that neither of you have been to and then going for coffee afterward to continue talking. 

6) What is the worst kind of kisser?

A nervous person!! Don't spit on me [editor's note: hahaha!], don't put your tongue in my mouth like a snake and don't make me reach up to your level and fall forward trying to kiss you. Don't make it awkward.

7) How many dates before sex? Less than one is totally acceptable.

Less than one never works. If you want a second date, you need to keep it in your pants and keep them guessing. Having a little self-respect is always a good thing.  

8) Ever flash anyone in public?

No.

9) Does size matter?

It's not the size of the wave -- it's the motion in the ocean. 

10) Freestyle. Go!

I'm honestly not really sure what I'm supposed to be doing here but let me say this: I have been through quite a few relationships now and I have yet to meet a mature man willing to take care of his woman and put her first. Maybe it's a product of this generation or something in the water, but being in a relationship shouldn't be a job!! I don't want to feel like I have to get paid for this!!! 

Thanks Anonymous Chick # 2.  Key takeaway: Don't spit on your girl.

Reader, yes you!: Please follow my blog by clicking "follow" in the column to the right. AND please comment!

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Want to write for ? 

E-mail me at goodbadbadass@gmail.com

and I will send you some questions!

Your anonymity is highly respected!

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