Inside a Chick's Head: Issue 2.1

A new month, a new set of questions! So the idea of this column is that I ask chicks topical questions in order to improve the lives of fellow man. This is how it works: I send questions to a chick that I know, they answer anonymously however they want (including a free-style answer at the end where they can say whatever they'd like about anything), I post their answers, and people read them (most likely laughing -- with the guys secretly taking notes).

I will probably be sending out the same questions to 2-3 chicks over the span of one month so the readers can compare answers between the different ladies. Then I'll be sending out a new set of questions for the next month.  It's fun, and interesting.

So here is the fourth neural synapse: Anonymous Chick #4.

1) What kind of job would you like your man to have? How poor is too poor?

Seriously any job that he’s happy doing.  It is way worse to have a man come home miserable and rich than happy and poor.  Now, for the superficial woman in me, he does need to be able to support himself (and occasionally treat me).  I’m more than willing to go up to the bar and buy us drinks or pick up the dinner tab, but I do expect to be treated every now and again.  Fellas, we aren’t stupid, a moocher is easy to spot and you will be kicked to the curb so fast you won’t know what hit you.  Even if you know the bill will be split at the end of the night, at least offer to pay, we take note and do appreciate it. 

2) Most disgusting things guys should just wait to do when you aren't around?

Easy question -- anything that has to do with bodily functions.  Let’s be real guys, we want you to be comfortable around us, but some things are better left to the imagination.  I don’t think I have to spell it out, you know what I mean.  I also don’t ever need to see you “manscaping” or clipping your toenails.

3) Most and least romantic things a guy ever did for you, respectively?

The most romantic thing a guy has ever done for me happened on my 18^th birthday.  My then boyfriend told me to be dressed and ready at 6pm.  Right at 6 a limo pulled up to my house and took me to a restaurant where my boyfriend was waiting for me, roses in hand.  After dinner the limo took us to Niagara Falls.  We walked around and at the top of the Falls he gave me my birthday present, a birthstone ring. 

Now don’t get scared, I realize this is a bit extreme, but when asked what the most romantic thing a guy has ever done, I obviously went to the most grandiose gesture.  Honestly, I know it’s cliché, but it is the small things that mean the most because it says you are thinking about us.  A close second is when I came home one afternoon to find little papers all over my bed with personal notes on each one describing why my then boyfriend loved me.  That ALMOST beat the limo…  

Thinking of the least romantic thing a guy has ever done is tough.  It usually is when they have done nothing at all.  I think the least romantic, or I should say most disappointing, is when you are expecting something (specifically on certain holidays, special occasions etc.) and then the guy does nothing.  I won’t ever say anything out loud, but I am secretly crushed.

4) What’s the best way for a guy to deal with an angry drunk girlfriend? (I understand that without a context this question may be difficult, but please give it the jolly good try.)

Unfortunately there is no good way to deal with an angry drunk girlfriend.  It is inevitable that at one point we will be drunk, irrational and angry, even when you have done absolutely nothing wrong.  That being said, repeat after me: "You’re right.  I’m so sorry.  Let’s go to bed."

5) How sensitive must a guy be?

I think it's disappointing that there is such a stigma on guys who show their emotions... don't get me wrong... I don't want to date someone who cries when he sees puppies in a kennel... but I don't think being a man means that you have to drown your sorrows in Muscle Milk and punch walls when you don't get your way. A good balance -- and what I find most attractive -- is someone who is able to protect and comfort me, but also lets me comfort him... we expect guys to be human... we tend to like humans.

6) How CAN’T a guy ask a girl out (i.e. is it okay to ask a girl out over g-chat/email/text/etc.)?

Gchat, email, text, messages in the sand, send an invite via the Good Year blimp -- I think they're all viable and acceptable means of communication... but there are limits -- I'd recommend not having a friend, or any other third party, asking a girl out for you.  This isn't recess and I don't want to sit with you at lunch if you can't ask me yourself.  Women tend to be receptive when a guy is confident and decisive -- offer a place and a time and seem genuinely interested, and we'll accept (and look forward to it).

7) Would you date a younger guy? How young?

Of course! Age is just a number baby!  Let’s be serious, I would never stoop to a Bieber level (gross and illegal), but a few years doesn’t hurt anybody.  What I think is most important is being at the same place in your lives.  It would be hard to date a raging frat boy that is only concerned with how many beers he can shotgun before puking when you are worried about “real-person” things like waking up for your job on time and paying your bills.

8) Scenario: It’s your first time having sex with a particular person. Stay conventional and work up, later, to other positions? Or is the first time with someone like an audition... pull out all of the stops?

First of all, it depends on how drunk you are haha. But really, you need a happy balance.  The first time you are having sex with someone is not the time to pull out the whips and chains, but you also want to show some skill so the person knows you are good at what you’re doing.  It’s definitely okay to throw in a couple of different positions so the person knows you’re not boring, but don’t get too crazy, I’m not an Olympic gymnast.  Ultimately, you want the person coming back for more.

9) Top or bottom (and why)?

This is definitely all personal preference and I know for a fact that many women would disagree with me, but definitely bottom.  There is nothing hotter than having a guy flip you over and take you like he can’t stand to not have you any longer.

10) Freestyle. Go!

We want you to be honest, but don’t tell us everything.  We don’t want to play games, yet we need a little mystery.  Being called ‘cute’ is too much like you’re referring to your little sister, yet being called ‘gorgeous’ means you’re trying too hard.  Basically we know that we are extremely difficult, confusing and at times impossible, but we’ll usually (note that I didn’t say ALWAYS) make it up to you with sex.  

Thanks Anonymous Chick # 4.  Key takeaway: Hold off on the whips and chains until the second date.

Reader, yes you!: Please follow my blog by clicking "follow" in the column to the right. AND please comment!

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Inside a Chick's Head: Issue 1.3

So I'm trying to diversify my blog.  I came up with this idea to include the female perspective, aka, asking chicks topical questions in order to improve the lives of fellow man. This is how it works: I send questions to a chick that I know, they answer anonymously however they want (including a free-style answer at the end where they can say whatever they'd like about anything), I post their answers, and people read them (most likely laughing -- with the guys secretly taking notes).

I will probably be sending out the same questions to 2-3 chicks over the span of one month so the readers can compare answers between the different ladies. Then I'll be sending out a new set of questions for the next month.  It's fun, and interesting.

So here is the third neural synapse: Anonymous Chick #3.

1) What is the best gift a guy could get you?

A good gift is one that shows that you were thinking of her. It doesn’t have to be extravagant, it doesn’t have to glitter, and it certainly doesn’t have to empty your bank account. My mother likes utilitarian gifts, like snow blowers, gardening gloves, and a new garbage disposal. I like gifts that make me laugh. Two of the best gifts I’ve ever received? In high school, my boyfriend made me a stuffed rabbit that looked exactly like the one from this video, because it was something that we’d both found amusing and joked about:

The other gift was a box of oatmeal. Strange? Perhaps. But I’d been dating a guy and casually mentioned that I wished I could find the oatmeal I ate as a little kid, the kind with the dinosaur eggs. The next time he was at the grocery store, he happened to see it, and bought it for me. Three years later, I still remember it. Perhaps that’s personal taste (I suppose I’m a bit quirky), but again, if you’re buying her gifts, you should probably know her well enough to understand her type of personality.

2) Do you have any fashion advice for guys?

Have you noticed a trend in these answers? Number one most important? Pants that FIT. If you like them baggy, fine, if you like them tight, go for it. But just as girls are advised to not wear clothes that give away too much of their mystery, no one wants to be able to tell your... ahem... size, with your pants on. Additionally, they should not be falling off. There is a very good reason that Vanilla Ice is single (well, I mean, besides all the rage and drug issues). Otherwise, what you wear sends out a message about your personal style and taste, and it attracts those types of girls. So if you're wearing girl jeans, don't be surprised that all you can get is fourteen year old girls in Twilight t-shirts and heavy eyeliner.

3) Fashion advice for chicks?

Pretty much the same as above. If you’re attracted to a particular type of style, then go for it. But your clothes should always fit. And you should really dress your age. I once read a fashion article where they went through and broke down trends into “expiration dates” according to age, as well as providing alternate suggestions on how to wear it if you’re older (i.e. you really shouldn’t wear those black t-shirts with “clever” statements on them past the age of 21). I’ve also noted that guys are either disgusted or just plain scared of some of the strange things we girls decide are trendy. There really is such a thing as dressing for guys and dressing for girls. Wear what you want, but be aware of the consequences. (And it’s really hard to go wrong in jeans and a well-fitting tank top.)

4) What is the worst date that you've ever been on, and why?

I once went on a date with a guy who I’d previously dated and broken up with. It was his attempt to reconcile, but he was high, hitting on the waitress and using extremely vulgar and abusive language towards me.


So, uh, don’t do that.

5) What is the ideal first date?

Personally? A first date that isn’t really a first date. I’m a strong supporter of that whole “friends first” idea, so ideally, it wouldn’t be the first time you’ve met. But I guess in a general sense, coffee (because if it’s not going well, you can end it after one cup and cut your losses) and then some sort of activity that isn’t a movie. Movies are where you go to make out. Activities give you something to talk about if you’re nervous and unable to come up with talking points, but are designed to allow for socializing without being shushed by the grandma sitting behind you. If you’re really trying to get to know someone, try bowling, mini-golf, or take her to an arcade and challenge her to see who can get the most tickets at the end of the night (and then give her the kazoo that cost you thirty five tickets). 

From what I can tell, you guys are looking for a girl that doesn’t take herself too seriously, who likes to laugh and have fun. If she doesn’t enjoy this kind of stuff then she’s probably not going to be the kind of girl that will hang out with your buddies at the bar while you have all night skee-ball tournaments. Remember, a first date is just as much about you getting to know her, as it is about her being impressed by you. Don’t do things that make you uncomfortable or that you don’t enjoy, because when you find out five months down the road that she’s high maintenance because she throws a fit when you want to grab a pizza, whereas before you only took her to five star restaurants…that’s kind of your own fault.

6) What is the worst kind of kisser?

It’s been said before, and I’ll say it again. Deal with your saliva issues. No one wants their memory of a first kiss to include trying to find a polite way to wipe their face. Feel what your partner is doing, and don’t push for more than she’s looking to give. However, if she’s giving you the green light…go for it.

7) How many dates before sex? Less than one is totally acceptable.

I’ve found dates through one night stands. I’ve also held off for months. It’s really a matter of the flow between you. I do know, however, that it is extremely easy to be written off as not being girlfriend material if you give it up too soon, so I avoid it as much as possible. I’d probably aim for four as an average, assuming 1-2 dates a week (and yes, coffee and watching a movie on the couch totally counts).

8) Ever flash anyone in public?

Never on purpose. Possibly that I can’t remember. College was rough.

9) Does size matter?

Extreme size issues? Yes. If you’re Andre the Giant or Warwick Davis, we’ll notice. But generally, no. We girls are pretty accommodating in that matter.

10) Freestyle. Go!

In defense of my gender…we’re really not as crazy as we seem. Well I mean, some girls are. But in general, we just think differently than you. There have been scientific studies! And we get just as annoyed with you, because while you think you guys are easy to understand…you’re really not. We spend time with other girls, where nuances and what is unsaid is just as important as what is said. I guess you guys don’t work like that, but your whole thought process confounds me. If she’s freaking out, she’s probably just frustrated. We know you don’t like to talk about feelings, but listening to her when she’s upset will work wonders. We don’t really like screaming and yelling, so I suggest trying to let her explain why she’s upset, without snapping at her, and maybe you’ll even get some insight into how our brains work. But for the most part, we all try to save the creepy overanalyzing for our girlfriends, because we sure as hell know that you don’t want to hear it. (And trust me, even the super laid back girls overanalyze. They’re just the best at hiding it.)

Thanks Anonymous Chick # 3.  Key takeaway: Ditch my "Vote for Pedro" t-shirt.

Reader, yes you!: Please follow my blog by clicking "follow" in the column to the right. AND please comment!

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Want to write for ? 

E-mail me at goodbadbadass@gmail.com

and I will send you some questions!

Your anonymity is highly respected!

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