Inside a Chick's Head: Issue 3.1

The best, sexiest, questions and answers yet! So the idea of this column is that I ask chicks topical questions in order to improve the lives of fellow man. This is how it works: I send questions to a chick that I know, they answer anonymously however they want (including a free-style answer at the end where they can say whatever they'd like about anything), I post their answers, and people read them (most likely laughing -- with the guys secretly taking notes).

I will probably be sending out the same questions to 2-3 chicks over the span of one month so the readers can compare answers between the different ladies. Then I'll be sending out a new set of questions for the next month.  It's fun, and interesting.

So here is the seventh neural synapse: Anonymous Chick #7.

1. When is it cool in a relationship for the guy to expect you to chip in some money for dinners, activities, etc.?

Third “date,” or time, you hang out.  Honestly, many (if not most) girls hope that you’ll pay on the first date and will feel a bit let down if you don’t.  The second date they don’t expect it, so it’s a nice surprise when you do.  I think it means a lot—basically, it says: “all of the nice things you did on the first date weren’t just ‘for show.’” Now, this doesn’t mean that the girl shouldn’t offer… I think they should always offer—but you shouldn’t accept it the first and even second time.  There really are certain times when you should always pay—like if you invite her to the movies, or even a baseball game, etc. with your family… Or the very first time you let her tag along to go paintballing with you.


2. Do you like your guys to have a thin, athletic, average, or muscular build? Why?

I like guys who are bigger than me.  It sounds simple, but for me it really is just the idea that whoever you’re with can protect you.  I tend to be attracted to athletic or muscular builds—I’d love to go running every now and then or go down to the court with a guy and shoot around a little… so I think I figure that a guy with an athletic build would be into that (although I recognize that’s not totally accurate).

Don’t fret if you are lean and mean though—I can absolutely guarantee that other ladies totally disagree with me and would prefer an average to thin build (my best friend, for instance).  Just like some of you are boob men or ass men… it all depends.  I would rather be with a thin guy who makes me laugh and keeps me on my toes than a raging, boring, meathead ANY day! (Is this question coming up?)


3. How does a guy avoid being put into the “friend zone”?

Probably just close the deal on the first night.  It significantly decreases any opportunity to learn about her childhood, her interests, hobbies, last name, and certainly prevents the development of any “real” friendship.  Seriously, it’s hard… but if I was always worried about falling into a guy’s “friend zone” anytime I was interested in them, I would have missed out on a lot of good friends.  The hard truth is that if a girl wants to bang you, you won’t be “just friends” for long.  Unfortunately, the whole “friend” thing is an excuse that most girls use to keep things from getting awkward, and also to make themselves feel better.  Beware though, there is a difference between “we’re just too good of friends” and “I just want to remain friends.”  If you get the first response, then they probably aren’t that good—or honest—of a friend.


4. Are there any hints you give off when you “like” a guy? How about when you want to “bang”?

Yes.  I will find any opportunity to touch you.  (Ex:  “Oh, your collar is crooked, let me fix it”; [Touching the back of your neck] “I love your haircut”; or “Oopsy, your zipper is down.  Here, let me do it—my hands are smaller.”) 

While it might not be our finest moment, we’ll also text when we’re out or drunk.  I typically don’t endorse this drunk-texting behavior, but if you have a reasonable suspicion that you might be the recipient of a drunk text… embrace it.  Trust me.


5. Have you ever (would you ever) date a guy from work?

This is a perfect example of how the whole “women’s rights/abolishment of chivalry” movement backfired.  We’re faced with the predicament of being surrounded by motivated, successful men who are capable of caring for a woman, but we are not really able to reap any of the benefits.  It’s like waving a cookie in front of a chick on a diet… It’s unfair and, frankly, just cruel.  (Disclaimer:  I’m mostly joking.)

I wouldn’t date a guy from work if I was currently working there.  Part of it is because I don’t want any of my personal life to become a topic of conversation during coffee breaks… jealousy and cattiness comes in all shapes and sizes, and I don’t doubt that some coworkers, regardless if they’re in a relationship or married, would rather hate on my relationship than care for their own.  But it’s even more than that—without playing the “poor me” card, it can sometimes be difficult for women to be taken seriously, especially when they are young.  The last thing I would want to do is to play into any of those naïve stereotypes.  Although, I wholeheartedly believe that a mid-morning or late-afternoon “romp” in one of our offices would arouse my productivity for the rest of the day… (I’m sure there are studies out there to back me up).

I do think we should take advantage of our co-workers... as a way to meet their good-looking, equally as driven, intelligent friends.  Set up happy hours and have everyone invite other friends so people can meet.  People helping people… it’s a beautiful thing.


6. In the locker room, how much clothes do girls really wear?  I’m sure that they are pretty much naked all of the time, but I just need confirmation.

Haha! Oh boy, I really hope you’re sitting down for this one… the only boobs I see on a regular basis in the locker room are my own… or the 75 year old woman’s who just finished her swimming class.  Sports bras and shorts, or wearing a towel, are the typical go-to attire.  But when the girls get together for sleepovers, we usually just wear…


7. How much dirty nasty sex shit do you tell your girlfriends about your own sex life? How much detail do you go into?

To my closest friends?  (Almost) everything.  That time you tried to shoot for the moon but I just wound up seeing blurry *stars* in my eyes for the rest of the night instead?… Yup, I told her.  Or the reason why I so desperately want to sit on ice after all the excitement and glory of last night is because you left me sore and walking funny?...  Yeah, she’ll probably know who, what, when, where, why, and most importantly, how.

I obviously wouldn’t tell just anyone—and I would never tell anyone other than my closest few friends the juicy, or even embarrassing, stuff.  We don’t run around comparing sizes or continuously make fun of a ridiculous porn move you tried out.  We might tell our closest friend, but even if I know something absurd, I’m not thinking about it the next time I see my friend’s guy.  Don’t worry about what she is telling her friends though.  If she’s coming back to your restaurant on a regular basis, she’s obviously hungry for your main course.

It also depends on how long you’ve been doing the deed… the earlier into a new relationship or hookup, the more we discuss.  But our convos actually work for your benefit—Let me compare it to football:

Every team has a quarterback and every quarterback has a strategy and a few go-to plays that always work for their team.  Now, what if you tell your friend, who is also a quarterback, about your special play…and they try it out on their team? And it works.  He could… go… allll… the… wayyy…


8. If you were a guy, who is a hot famous female that you would totally bang?

Jennifer Aniston.  Done and done.  She’s beautiful, hilarious, and by all accounts, a really sweet, classy woman.  What more could you want?  Perfect boobs?  Check.  Amazing legs?  Check.  Tight stomach? Check. 

I want to take this opportunity to discredit any of you out there who disagree with me and favor the brunette, gothic mistress who is now with Jen’s ex.  How many kids has she had?  At least 3 of her own?  Good luck… I don’t care how much meat you’re packing—that’s like throwing a hot dog down a hallway.


9. Would you ever have a three way, and if so, with two guys or one guy and another chick? And if not, why not?

I think we all know—BAD things happen in threes… But a three way would probably fall under the “bad in a good way” category.  Honestly, I’ve gone back and forth on this.  I actually wouldn’t want it with two guys… I’m attracted to guys who are comfortable and secure with themselves, but also someone who wouldn’t be cool with the idea of “sharing” his girl.  Being a LITTLE territorial is sexy.

I dated a guy and the topic of a threesome came up (hypothetically) and he said that it obviously sounded great, but that he honestly didn’t know if he could look his mom in the eyes again—It was actually really sexy that he was like, no, I’m good with you.

BUT, if I ever was in a three way, I’d imagine it with champagne being poured all over myself and the other girl…wearing some type of silver string bikinis...and we’d be licking it off of the guy and begging for more…and loud music would be playing… (and then Lil’ Wayne would start rapping and after 3 minutes the video director would call “cut” and we’d have to put our clothes back on).


10. Freestyle. Go!

This is my Public Service Announcement… Just keep it in mind for all those times you are privately serving your lucky lady:  Sex is amazing.  Foreplay—kissing, touching, licking, teasing foreplay—and then sex is f*cking amazing.  Any questions?  

Thanks Anonymous Chick # 7.  Key takeaway: Go for the three-way, plain and simple.

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